Sometimes, Why is the most important question

I got hit pretty hard last week.  I took a chance and stepped out of my comfort zone to try something new.  It didn’t work out like I hoped.  It wasn’t a total loss; I met some amazing people and I really hope I will be able to build on that to create some lasting and very inspiring relationships.  The fact remains that on the other hand, it was a total disaster for me as far as the investment goes.

When we face something that knocks us down like that, we end up questioning all our choices that got us there.  Where did I first go wrong?  Inevitably, we end up at the very beginning and questioning our choices when we decided to turn into a professional artist.  I remember sitting around in a circle with several of my peers saying something like, “We paint like it’s a job because there is no other job that we want to do.  Just because we paint that way, doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy it; we are just dedicated to doing it and nothing else.”  I’m pretty sure that isn’t an exact quote, most people know my memory isn’t that good.  The sentiment is the same.

There are things that I did before this that I enjoyed and every once in a while, I consider doing them again.  Starbucks barista is one of them but, I don’t want to do anything else than what I am doing right now.  This blog is basically written affirmation.  I don’t want to do anything else.  I sit at the easel and sometimes tremble at my own audacity to try and capture something in two dimensions.  Who the hell do I think I am?  What makes me think I can do this?  It doesn’t matter, I will always try because there is joy in color and flow, image and contrast.

It isn’t that I don’t have a cheering section, I see all of you and hear everything thing you say and write.  It means so much to me that you are out there, Joanne, Ruth, Mom.  I can’t name you all, but I really wanted to make those three ladies day.  (You too Valeria and Judy.)

So when you question your choices, try to remember why you chose to do this.  I know I made a deliberate decision to become an artist.  It wasn’t when I started drawing, nor when I inherited my first pastels.  There was a moment when I looked around me and identified as an artist.  I may be pulling myself up out of the dirt right now, but; I will keep doing this because I don’t want to do anything else.