30 years with one person? yes please

My husband, Pat; and I have rediscovered Tool Time again.  We started watching it last week and while Jill and Tim have a pretty stable relationship, looking at relationships then and 30 years later gives you a different perspective.  I watch Jill become disappointed with Tim's birthday gifts from the past and while I agreed with her 30 years ago, I certainly don't now.  She sarcastically stated, why don't you just give me the money and I will shop for myself?  Yes please!  was my response.  Jill realized that being subtle with her reminders for an event wasn't getting her anywhere and that Tim missed them all, yup.

I used to be a nail technician and for 10 years, they would tell me all of their problems with their significant other.  One of the most often heard complaint was, "He never buys me flowers."  I remember that for the first few years I would be disappointed by that same thing.  As time went on, I realized that finding someone who bought me flowers was going to lose me a very good life partner.  By the time I was doing nails, I had learned that it is easier to purchase my own.  That is what I would tell my ladies, go buy them for yourself.

Pat and I have had our ups and downs but I have learned so much about keeping us together and having a happy marriage. Space.  We need our own spaces. In our house, our hearts, our friends and our heads.  We shouldn't have to think about each other 24/7.  First of all, that's kinda creepy and secondly; if you have to worry about your partner all the time, the relationship might not be very healthy.  We need our own friends.  That isn't to say that my friends can't know my husband and I can't know my husband's friends.  I just don't need to take my husband to every interaction, and I certainly don't need to be everywhere my husband goes with his. "Man caves" are very real, as are "She sheds".  I can go into my husband's man cave but I don't arrange it, clean it or remove anything for my permanent use ( I have had to use his laptop and he always has candy).  That is his space to have his collections and documents.  He doesn't come into my studio (she shed).  I don't have anything in there he wants anyway, not even candy.  

The biggest thing is communication, we make sure we have eye contact when we tell each other important things and we are clear.  None of this "circling dates" on the calendar, mentioning special outfits at the cleaners, straightforward; I want to go to this event in 2 weeks and I would like you to take me.  If he says no, I find another date with my friends.  It's 2025, women can go out to events with other women and no one thinks twice about it.   Well if they do, they keep it to themselves.  We also talk clearly about our unhappiness with each other.  I am pretty sure I do it more than he does but if he has a problem I trust him to tell me because he has.  Friends of mine have had relationships fall apart because one who was becoming unhappy didn't actually come out and say, "I'm not very happy right now, can you help me figure it out?"

We say we were wrong and I am sorry.  We are human and we have to accept that we make mistakes.  We need to own them and apologize.  It isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of respect when we say out loud we were wrong and that we are sorry.  Pat is a good man and he is worth it.  He is worth keeping and if owning my mistakes out loud and saying I'm sorry is what it takes, I will do it every time.

Jill and Tim do figure things out and because of Wilson being there on the other side of the fence, they get some careful guidance.  I guess I am grateful for my husband every day.  He brought me flowers yesterday because I am home sick and we will be getting his procedure done on Valentine's day this year.  I still buy myself flowers every once in a while but it just makes his flowers more special and takes the heat off of him.  Thank you Honey, I am so glad I was smart enough to pick you and you were dumb enough to think I was a good idea.