...serenity in pastel

Sometimes the hardest mountain to climb is the smallest hill

I lost faith this week,

I woke one morning with the realization that another show hadn’t invited me.  It might be canceled but the fact that I wasn’t invited hit hard.  I’m lying in bed with my blood pressure going sky high and my prospects in the toilet and I lost it.  Deep depression.  It hits all of us.

I used to fight depression; the real one, clinical.  Took prescriptions and everything for it and I finally found a good way to manage it because it comes back.  Fortunately, nowadays; not like it used to and I have ways to deal with it.  I made a phone tree in my head of all my friends and family that I can call and I went down the list until someone answered.  In the meantime, I went over all of the reasons I might not have been invited and what was going on in my life that was positive.

I’m back in the studio again.  I am painting art again and have a plan to build up my inventory in a way that might do better in our economy.  I am painting better than I ever have and even I would be a fool to doubt it.  My jury photo for outdoor shows has been improved with help and approved by someone with experience in jurying.  My bills are getting paid and I have friends.

It is so hard in this time of COVID to remember at times you are not alone and that you have choices.  I had joined a facebook group for creating art at this time and the title has the word isolation in it.  That one hit me hard that day so I posted to the admin, could we change it? Just a question, either yes or no.  Some folks offered suggestions, others made angry comments about changing something that was just fine.  So I left the group.  I have that choice.  Right now, my choices are important for my well being.  If I don’t need something to keep my world spinning on, I can walk away.

When we are standing ankle deep in poo, move somewhere else.  It helps you gain a healthy perspective.  I was reminded how lucky I was that my mom was there to answer the phone, a big perspective shaker.  It was a huge positive to mark on my plus list.  I was also reminded, this is a transitory time, even the “new normal” is transitory.  WWI didn’t last forever, nor did WWII.  The Spanish flu circled the globe a few times and is gone.  We need to keep that in perspective.  In the meantime, I will keep up my depression phone tree and making lists of the positives.  Keep the faith, and call friends.